5 hour layover+Memo Pad+One Unsatisfactory Vacation=

So I'm sitting in the Minneapolis airport and my three hour layover has just turned into a five hour. And I cannot help but be tempted to just jump on another plane to anywhere and get out of here. Can I please just run off to Anaheim or the big apple, consequences be damned, so I can wash off the regret of even coming back to Wisconsin at all? Wash off the memory and hurt of this entire vacation.

Going back to the city I grew up and Milwaukee, where I spent my college years, should have been nothing but good times and old friends. So what went wrong during this seven day stay?

Is it that my ex boyfriend and best friend are slowly becoming very good friends? No, I was surprised to find it didn't bother me at all, I guess because that's just the people that they are. And I know where everyone stands on the issue...but this kind of thing has just become too minor and insignificant for it to matter. Something that used to hurt me so much seems silly to me now.

So it's not that. Could it then be the fact that every year I visit I have to witness my grandma slowly lose her mind just a little bit more? This year there was so much she could not remember, including where I went to college or where she has kept the wine glasses for the past ten years. And my grandpa, who is a saint, and the only positive male role model in my life thus far, just knows. You can see him get a little sad when she does something silly, because he knows that it's been coming for years and that it's only going to get worse.

But then I get a call from my roommate that her last living grandparent has just died and I'm just grateful that I still have them at all. And besides losing her mind, she seems to be in pretty good health.

So that doesn't ruin my trip, and I was happy to see them.

Then there's the always standing fact that the man my mom married will never not be a completely selfish and non-caring asshole. No matter how many times I have visited and attempted to "share" my mother with this man, he has never made any attempts to acknowledge me as a human being or anyone with any ideas or even stories worth contemplating.

But I guess it' something men just get away with? Yet another reason being a small blonde girl sucks- you spend your young adult life hoping people will look past the physical and recognize you as a real person who really does have a lot to offer.

My brother explained it this way: All people are just hammered drunk.

You know your friend at the party who has already finished his twelve pack and is now taking down shots like it's candy? He's obviously belligerent, and no matter what you say to him, it doesn't matter, because in a minute he's not going to remember and he's going to continue to do exactly what he wants to do. Think of all people as being just under the table wasted.

But it's not alcohol everyone is drunk on. It's themselves. People often don't know how to look outside the realm of their own little world. Everything is based on how it is going to directly affect them. For example, my mother. She is now drunk on her life with Randy. It's their own little bubble, and whatever Randy wants, Randy gets because she would never want any feelings of discontent clouding their bubble.

So there was that- which was annoying to say the least, but easily solved. No more trips where it's just me, Mom and Randy. Probably just less visits all together. Some people have strong family bonds, and I do love my mom and brother with all my heart, but it's just looking like that's not in the cards for me.

Which leads me to the real reason I am going home just slightly more damaged than before. My Dad. It may be harsh but if I was given three words to sum up my Dad they would be Immature, misguided and Loser. He's been fucked up inside since childhood and I can't say that I completely don't get it because I think I do have a little of his sadness inside me too. But I've learned slowly over the years that it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are...my dad doesn't want to get better.

I used to take what people did and twist it to mean the worst thing possible about me until I felt completely worthless inside. My Dad does that to the worse degree, and becomes a complete child in his anger. All my life I have known this, and it hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse.

My memo pad is filled with pages of what happened, how my stepmother has influenced his behavior to the point he has cut off almost his entire family. But basically what happened comes down to this: Nothing happened. As far as I knew, our relationship was fine, not great, but just fine. The man gets into a stand-off with my brother and basically decides to lump me in with it, and not see me the one time I'll be in town for years. All I can do is repeat the words: Immature misguided loser.

So long, family drama. You won't be missed.

Next time, I'll head to the Big Apple instead of the little one.

One Year? Let's make it Two.

I am one day away from moving out of my bachelorette pad into a real house, which is in a real neighborhood, a quaint little Disney community called Independence. And I am a little freaked out by it. In the end I know it will be good, but in a way I feel it is saying I finally have to grow up and start behaving. I don't even know what that means according to my life now, but it's how I feel.

My current roommate and I are moving in with our friends who are basically married already. It's funny, because I used to look at them and think "man, I wish I had that", even when I was with someone. But not anymore. Don't get me wrong, their relationship is great, maybe even the closest to perfect that I've seen. But something inside me has just stopped allowing me to feel that way about dating anymore. I've had a "string of bad bos" I guess you could say, but I can't help but wonder if it was all of them combined that has left me with this unorthodox viewpoint, or if it's just not what I'm looking for in life anymore.

I have been single for a year now, which is what I promised myself after the last "charmer" ended up being a passive aggressive liar. Men lie, it's in their nature. But it's what they lie about that matters. Anyway, in this year there has been guy after guy, and they have all just fallen by the wayside. I actually find myself upset at them for wanting more than friendship, and wonder what it means about me that friendship doesn't seem to be enough.

I have no idea how attractive I am-- but people tell me that I am. Then again, people tell me that I am the spitting image of Judy Greer, and if that's the case, I don't find myself that attractive. I mean, have you seen her in Jawbreaker? But my problems lately seem to be because of my looks, and it's really starting to piss me off. I can't seem to have a guy friend who doesn't end up wanting more, or they don't even think about wanting to be my friend. My brother says it's in men's nature, and if he thinks this way, almost every guy does. But that really limits the friend pool when I am just not interested.

Well...it's time for me to finish packing up and move into my next stage of life. 2 years and 2 months in Florida...how did it go by so damn quickly?