Changing..

Lately I've been looking at my life and finding myself amazed at how different I am than even a few months ago. It's pretty intriguing how stress can change the person you are and the outlook you have on life and relationships.

So I'm reluctantly about to start my new project, or month-late new year's resolution. Sobriety. Ugh, no fun. But the fact is that when I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop, and until I can control that I have to just give it up for awhile. I just need to start concentrating on the alternative: finding a fricken job. My job at Disney is not going to cut it forever, and the longer I stay the longer I will fall down the rabbit hole and away from the knowledge I gained in college. Not to mention, I can't afford the brain cells I am killing off anymore. I'm 24, time to grow up in that sense.

So I never realized that people were actually reading my blog until after my last post. Suddenly I have people relating to me, and as much as I'm a little embarrassed (especially for bringing up what was my lack of a sex life), I think it's kind of nice they care. If there is one thing that's for sure about me, it's that I will always listen to other people's problems. But I never expect them to listen back.

There is a strange balance of pessimism and optimism going on in my head at all times.

Overcoming that feeling...

So the reason I haven't been writing is for a reason that I would usually never admit in an online blog...but, it's because I feel like my life is at a stalemate. Back in the day, I found writing to be a passion of mine and that is what I used to express what was going on inside of me. I loved to research topics and people and use my own words to put it all on paper. But since college, I just lost interest. And it hasn't been until recently that I have recognized the cause: depression. Unfortunately, I've always known that I am very susceptible because of genetics. My father will never be happy with his life, and one of my biggest fears is that that will happen to me. To make matters worse, my situation right now has been hard dealing with certain family matters, job situation, and a terrible situation that I got myself into right before moving down.

I have put off dating indefinitely so I can finally concentrate on me, but all I find myself doing is wanting sex! It's terrible, and the thing is I have to like them as a person before I am going to do anything, so I've just been staying frustrated. I don't want to do anything with a stranger. It's been months, and I honestly wonder if it would help clear my mind at this point. Or do I just forget about the mere existence of the act?

Another problem? I just can't decide how "Disney" I really am. Do I really want to work towards a future in the company, and if I do, I need to get out of my area or find a way to get the attention of superiors that don't pay attention. I find myself so torn...am I into all the hype or am I just pretending to be?

I can't wait til this feeling goes away...I miss my passion...