You Just Gotta Show Up

So after all my positivity about the New Year a couple months back I've felt a bit defeated being that not much has seemed to go the way I had hoped since the ball dropped on January 1st. But like I said in my post over a month ago, you kind of have to feel that way before you finally get up and say Enough. 

The Broadway sensation Wicked has come to Orlando on tour for 3 weeks and I took my roommate to see it opening night. If you haven't seen Wicked, it's one of those experiences that makes you realize how moving life can really be, even if you're in a somewhat numbing stage of it. The combination of the pre Wizard of Oz story and amazing music is something no one should pass up if they get the chance, even if it's from the cheap seats like we were. So, we said that we would come back and attempt to win the front row lottery. 

And we did go back, and as more and more people showed up we knew our trip was probably going to turn into a couple drinks at Hamburger Mary's. Ten people would win out of about 150. But I still felt like there was a chance. And when they called my name I realized this was a sign: all you have to do is try. You just gotta show up. No, you're not always going to win or get what you want, but it is definitely not going to happen if you don't even show up. And now I have one of my favorite experiences of my life to remind me of that. 

Clarity

It has been a crazy month of ups and downs, but there are many things I've come to realize, making it a very interesting start to the new year. It's funny-- all of the things I thought two weeks ago are so different from what I think now. Do you ever just have a slightly drawn out moment of clarity that you just desperately hope will stay with you permanently? Well I'm really hoping right now because it makes a lot of sense. 

But everyone knows you have to really mess up before you finally begin to realize how the eff it is you're screwing up like that all the time. And even with the crazy,  bummer moments this month has brought, all I can feel right now is I'm goodz. Yeah, with a 'z'.

It could be my own remedy of a walk in the dark listening to the only voice that can soothe my soul and turn me on all at the same time, Brandon Boyd. That and some old school Deathcab. Or, it could be knowing that even though this coming Monday is considered the most depressing Monday of the year scientifically- Blue Monday, I will be sailing off on a cruise ship with nothing to do for four days but be completely happy. Yea, I'll take it. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Things to do this year...

1. Read the classics. 

I'm sick of finding myself reading horribly written books because that's what the public suggested. Most recently 50 Shades of Gray and The Edge of Never. We get it, he's perfect. And not real. And stop biting your damn lip and blushing every five seconds.

2. Go running or do pilates/yoga when you start to feel upset 

Stop! Don't send that text message! (And that does not mean to wait until you are upset to get a little exercise.)

3. Look at  job postings every day

If you feel like your job is just okay, it's time to move on, sister. You never know what will pop up. And hey, maybe you'll even apply.

4. Reach out to a long distance family member at least once a week. 

They're not going to be here forever. And they're family, they have to let you annoy them- chances are, they'll kinda like it.

5. Take More Pictures

We don't even have to make photo albums anymore, just take the picture! So why do I keep forgetting to take more when the moments present themselves?

6. Stop thinking about the future and live in the present

Blame it on video games, the media, shitty parenting. Whatever option makes the most sense to you, one thing has become truer and truer; adults are finding themselves much later in life than they were 50 years ago. Maybe because everyone thought that getting married and having babies was finding yourself.  So if you're nearing 30 and upset by all the baby pictures on facebook when you're not even dating, just stop and live. Just live.

Food for thought from a pretty smart guy...

SOMETHING TO PONDER: George Carlin

George Carlin's wife died early in 2008 and George followed her, dying in July 2008. It is ironic George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent and so very appropriate. An observation by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

New Year New Fears

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..."

This is the opening to the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower which I read almost in an entire sitting a couple of days ago. Basically it's a book written in a "letter to a stranger" format by a 16 year old boy named Charlie who is trying to figure out why he is and who he is. Sounds generic, I know...but it does get you thinking.

High School. It was eons ago at this point in my life, and after all those years you kind of wonder, how much did it have an effect on me? Had it been different, would I be the person that I am today? How different would it be for me if I was the person that I am today? I'm sure mostly everyone's thought about that one.

I'm such a weird mixture of doing just fine but also just bummed (for lack of a more fitting verb). And really, it's definitely progress that I am finally going through a breakup where I wasn't wronged. I also know that if he wasn't going to try harder to change himself, it just wasn't meant to be. But I miss him. It's hard for me to get close and comfortable with someone and then just suddenly not have them in my life anymore...

Brings to mind another quote from Perks...

"I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it won't change the fact that they are upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

Have you ever noticed how that never really does make you feel better?

I'm fine. I'm healthy. I have friends and family that care. It's a New Year, and it's everyone's chance to get up and get out. Do the right things.

Last quote for the day:

"We accept the love we think we deserve" 

A couple of years ago I wouldn't have let him go. Because he was good. But now I do realize I deserve more. Maybe I will remain single for a very long time because of this, and frustrate myself with even more "Mr. Not Quite Good Enoughs"...but I'm really not that hard to please. All a girl really wants is a guy who will sprint after her when she walks away.

Welcoming in an ODd year...

2013...almost sounds like an unlucky year. Well I'd like to think of it as an odd year. So New Year's Resolutions, to make them or not to make them? To admit that you need a new number to motivate yourself to do things that you've put off until now, or to look at it as a new beginning like most do for approximately 72 hours?

One resolution I will not be making is the ever so popular eat healthy/work out resolution. People make it every year, sales in treadmills peak for about 2 months and then you get busy and let it dwindle down to once a week, to even never. Doing these things should just be on your mind all year round, and it's too generic for me.

My main goal this year is simple to say but so very difficult to do: It's to know what I want. In every aspect. Or at least to make a huge attempt to figure it out.

I may not begin to find this out January 1, 2013, but it sure as hell will be in the front of my mind all year long.

Here's hoping for an odd, eccentric, unique, special and exciting year :)

Bottom's up! 

Well this is familiar...

So it's been six month since I've posted, and what am I currently doing? Waiting for my ex to come bring me the rest of my things that I left at his house. I've definitely been here before, and feel I am bound to repeat this cycle time after time. Except now it's not even interesting anymore. All the past cheaters, liars and whatever else in my life and what was this one's crime? Commitment phobia! At least this time I don't have to get angry...sure I'll have unwarranted waves of anger come at me over things we said in our fight or the way he tries to make it seem like I had a choice in breaking up with him. But really I can't get mad at a person for not being ready. Gosh I feel so adult saying that. I guess I always knew he had strange walls up, yet the things he said contradicted those walls. Because of that I mostly feel like I'm losing a best friend.

I am getting a bit nervous though, as he will be at my door any moment and it may be the last time I see him on purpose. I wish I knew more of what was actually going on in his head right now...probably a mixture of things like me. Unfortunately I think he will choose anger to make himself feel better about 6 months down the drain, and that's not what I wanted. In my experience, men have not been the best at displaying the proper emotion in times like these. But maybe it's because the woman's emotions are too much for them. How do people ever end up married?

OK OkOkK...Let's get his over with...