OK I'm putting that last project on hold, partly because it is boring and there are more important things at stake.
It's the season of love, which I thought was supposed to be spring, but nevermind. Everyone around me is finding themselves in new romantic entanglements, including shockingly, myself. And I swear the bastard in the last post I mentioned sensed my happiness as a target to destroy, because I also found myself more badly hurt than I thought I could be by this particular relationship. Mostly because it wasn't a relationship at all. I guess I'm just always still surprised on how badly a person can treat another person.
Only problem? It's causing me to be more cautious than I even want to be with this new guy who is surprisingly sweet and masculine and honest all at the same time. But of course I do the usual and my mind is racing picking out reasons why it won't work. And the walls for me haven't come down just yet but we will see.
So my new project? With a little guidance from Eckhart Tolle, reaching some sort of non bullshit enlightenment about life.
First major hurdle: get out of your mind. Almost all people let their minds control them:
Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God.
So the first step? Start watching the thinker in your head, separate yourself from it. Listen to it without judgment, pay attention to repetitive thoughts, and soon you'll find yourself separating from the disease that is over thinking.
This is going to take a lot of work.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
New Project
Hello Blog...I have actually had the urge to write many times in the past couple of weeks, unfortunately the Internet connection in our new place is pretty sketchy. Thank the Lord it chose to work for me on my day off when I am recovering from a night out and it has been raining nonstop.
So everyone around me is getting promotions left and right, and here I am, still sitting here in my hourly role at Disney. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in complete loathing for my job, but I just constantly have that feeling that there is more for me, I'm just so lost on what that is. But nothing brings it out more than watching everyone around you get closer to what they want. One day, when I am finally out of the fog, that will be me.
In this generation, the average person goes through about five different careers. I guess I just figure that while I'm young, I'll have fun in number one. But I definitely can't live off this kind of money forever!
In the past 48 hours I've made a big mistake, and been in great company...so I'm thinking one has cancelled out the other. To be honest, I've been making the same mistake all year, but now it is finally over. I finally have the willpower to not make that mistake anymore. And I don't even feel the need to stick it to the person that has influenced me to make that mistake. Feels oddly...gratifying.
So on a philosophical note.
I've often wondered if part of human survival is the natural tendency to let certain unimportant things take over your mind, so that you don't depress yourself by spending all of your time thinking about the bigger troubles in the world. Could that be what causes most people to spend most of their time worrying about their needs and their lives and leave them blinded to the bigger picture? And if that is the case, what does it take to make them see? Does it have to directly affect them before they take action or even care?
Like activists...what forcefully draws them to their cause? I sometimes fantasize about winning the lottery, like I'm sure most people do. But one of the biggest things I ponder if I suddenly had endless funds, is what cause I would spend my time fighting for? Would it be world hunger, disease, global warming, the sea turtles? Unfortunately no amount of money would fight what is going on in our government and bringing our country to its knees. I would have no control over how it has affected our economy, our reputation, people losing their homes so the banks can continue to steal from us and keep the elite at the top. ETC. But that rant is for another day.
It would take more than one post.
NEW PROJECT: Look into a new cause every day. Why? Because I want to know what is worth fighting for.
Monday, August 22, 2011
5 hour layover+Memo Pad+One Unsatisfactory Vacation=
So I'm sitting in the Minneapolis airport and my three hour layover has just turned into a five hour. And I cannot help but be tempted to just jump on another plane to anywhere and get out of here. Can I please just run off to Anaheim or the big apple, consequences be damned, so I can wash off the regret of even coming back to Wisconsin at all? Wash off the memory and hurt of this entire vacation.
Going back to the city I grew up and Milwaukee, where I spent my college years, should have been nothing but good times and old friends. So what went wrong during this seven day stay?
Is it that my ex boyfriend and best friend are slowly becoming very good friends? No, I was surprised to find it didn't bother me at all, I guess because that's just the people that they are. And I know where everyone stands on the issue...but this kind of thing has just become too minor and insignificant for it to matter. Something that used to hurt me so much seems silly to me now.
So it's not that. Could it then be the fact that every year I visit I have to witness my grandma slowly lose her mind just a little bit more? This year there was so much she could not remember, including where I went to college or where she has kept the wine glasses for the past ten years. And my grandpa, who is a saint, and the only positive male role model in my life thus far, just knows. You can see him get a little sad when she does something silly, because he knows that it's been coming for years and that it's only going to get worse.
But then I get a call from my roommate that her last living grandparent has just died and I'm just grateful that I still have them at all. And besides losing her mind, she seems to be in pretty good health.
So that doesn't ruin my trip, and I was happy to see them.
Then there's the always standing fact that the man my mom married will never not be a completely selfish and non-caring asshole. No matter how many times I have visited and attempted to "share" my mother with this man, he has never made any attempts to acknowledge me as a human being or anyone with any ideas or even stories worth contemplating.
But I guess it' something men just get away with? Yet another reason being a small blonde girl sucks- you spend your young adult life hoping people will look past the physical and recognize you as a real person who really does have a lot to offer.
My brother explained it this way: All people are just hammered drunk.
You know your friend at the party who has already finished his twelve pack and is now taking down shots like it's candy? He's obviously belligerent, and no matter what you say to him, it doesn't matter, because in a minute he's not going to remember and he's going to continue to do exactly what he wants to do. Think of all people as being just under the table wasted.
But it's not alcohol everyone is drunk on. It's themselves. People often don't know how to look outside the realm of their own little world. Everything is based on how it is going to directly affect them. For example, my mother. She is now drunk on her life with Randy. It's their own little bubble, and whatever Randy wants, Randy gets because she would never want any feelings of discontent clouding their bubble.
So there was that- which was annoying to say the least, but easily solved. No more trips where it's just me, Mom and Randy. Probably just less visits all together. Some people have strong family bonds, and I do love my mom and brother with all my heart, but it's just looking like that's not in the cards for me.
Which leads me to the real reason I am going home just slightly more damaged than before. My Dad. It may be harsh but if I was given three words to sum up my Dad they would be Immature, misguided and Loser. He's been fucked up inside since childhood and I can't say that I completely don't get it because I think I do have a little of his sadness inside me too. But I've learned slowly over the years that it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are...my dad doesn't want to get better.
I used to take what people did and twist it to mean the worst thing possible about me until I felt completely worthless inside. My Dad does that to the worse degree, and becomes a complete child in his anger. All my life I have known this, and it hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse.
My memo pad is filled with pages of what happened, how my stepmother has influenced his behavior to the point he has cut off almost his entire family. But basically what happened comes down to this: Nothing happened. As far as I knew, our relationship was fine, not great, but just fine. The man gets into a stand-off with my brother and basically decides to lump me in with it, and not see me the one time I'll be in town for years. All I can do is repeat the words: Immature misguided loser.
So long, family drama. You won't be missed.
Next time, I'll head to the Big Apple instead of the little one.
Going back to the city I grew up and Milwaukee, where I spent my college years, should have been nothing but good times and old friends. So what went wrong during this seven day stay?
Is it that my ex boyfriend and best friend are slowly becoming very good friends? No, I was surprised to find it didn't bother me at all, I guess because that's just the people that they are. And I know where everyone stands on the issue...but this kind of thing has just become too minor and insignificant for it to matter. Something that used to hurt me so much seems silly to me now.
So it's not that. Could it then be the fact that every year I visit I have to witness my grandma slowly lose her mind just a little bit more? This year there was so much she could not remember, including where I went to college or where she has kept the wine glasses for the past ten years. And my grandpa, who is a saint, and the only positive male role model in my life thus far, just knows. You can see him get a little sad when she does something silly, because he knows that it's been coming for years and that it's only going to get worse.
But then I get a call from my roommate that her last living grandparent has just died and I'm just grateful that I still have them at all. And besides losing her mind, she seems to be in pretty good health.
So that doesn't ruin my trip, and I was happy to see them.
Then there's the always standing fact that the man my mom married will never not be a completely selfish and non-caring asshole. No matter how many times I have visited and attempted to "share" my mother with this man, he has never made any attempts to acknowledge me as a human being or anyone with any ideas or even stories worth contemplating.
But I guess it' something men just get away with? Yet another reason being a small blonde girl sucks- you spend your young adult life hoping people will look past the physical and recognize you as a real person who really does have a lot to offer.
My brother explained it this way: All people are just hammered drunk.
You know your friend at the party who has already finished his twelve pack and is now taking down shots like it's candy? He's obviously belligerent, and no matter what you say to him, it doesn't matter, because in a minute he's not going to remember and he's going to continue to do exactly what he wants to do. Think of all people as being just under the table wasted.
But it's not alcohol everyone is drunk on. It's themselves. People often don't know how to look outside the realm of their own little world. Everything is based on how it is going to directly affect them. For example, my mother. She is now drunk on her life with Randy. It's their own little bubble, and whatever Randy wants, Randy gets because she would never want any feelings of discontent clouding their bubble.
So there was that- which was annoying to say the least, but easily solved. No more trips where it's just me, Mom and Randy. Probably just less visits all together. Some people have strong family bonds, and I do love my mom and brother with all my heart, but it's just looking like that's not in the cards for me.
Which leads me to the real reason I am going home just slightly more damaged than before. My Dad. It may be harsh but if I was given three words to sum up my Dad they would be Immature, misguided and Loser. He's been fucked up inside since childhood and I can't say that I completely don't get it because I think I do have a little of his sadness inside me too. But I've learned slowly over the years that it's how you deal with it that makes you who you are...my dad doesn't want to get better.
I used to take what people did and twist it to mean the worst thing possible about me until I felt completely worthless inside. My Dad does that to the worse degree, and becomes a complete child in his anger. All my life I have known this, and it hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse.
My memo pad is filled with pages of what happened, how my stepmother has influenced his behavior to the point he has cut off almost his entire family. But basically what happened comes down to this: Nothing happened. As far as I knew, our relationship was fine, not great, but just fine. The man gets into a stand-off with my brother and basically decides to lump me in with it, and not see me the one time I'll be in town for years. All I can do is repeat the words: Immature misguided loser.
So long, family drama. You won't be missed.
Next time, I'll head to the Big Apple instead of the little one.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
One Year? Let's make it Two.
I am one day away from moving out of my bachelorette pad into a real house, which is in a real neighborhood, a quaint little Disney community called Independence. And I am a little freaked out by it. In the end I know it will be good, but in a way I feel it is saying I finally have to grow up and start behaving. I don't even know what that means according to my life now, but it's how I feel.
My current roommate and I are moving in with our friends who are basically married already. It's funny, because I used to look at them and think "man, I wish I had that", even when I was with someone. But not anymore. Don't get me wrong, their relationship is great, maybe even the closest to perfect that I've seen. But something inside me has just stopped allowing me to feel that way about dating anymore. I've had a "string of bad bos" I guess you could say, but I can't help but wonder if it was all of them combined that has left me with this unorthodox viewpoint, or if it's just not what I'm looking for in life anymore.
I have been single for a year now, which is what I promised myself after the last "charmer" ended up being a passive aggressive liar. Men lie, it's in their nature. But it's what they lie about that matters. Anyway, in this year there has been guy after guy, and they have all just fallen by the wayside. I actually find myself upset at them for wanting more than friendship, and wonder what it means about me that friendship doesn't seem to be enough.
I have no idea how attractive I am-- but people tell me that I am. Then again, people tell me that I am the spitting image of Judy Greer, and if that's the case, I don't find myself that attractive. I mean, have you seen her in Jawbreaker? But my problems lately seem to be because of my looks, and it's really starting to piss me off. I can't seem to have a guy friend who doesn't end up wanting more, or they don't even think about wanting to be my friend. My brother says it's in men's nature, and if he thinks this way, almost every guy does. But that really limits the friend pool when I am just not interested.
Well...it's time for me to finish packing up and move into my next stage of life. 2 years and 2 months in Florida...how did it go by so damn quickly?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Fear of the Unknown
An interesting but surprisingly obvious fact of life came across to me very clearly today. It started with a conversation with a female co-worker who said she felt that she'd rather go to a male manager with an issue than a female manager. This was how she felt, even when she herself went to school for management. She believes that because she is small and looks younger, people are less likely to respond to her as a superior. Standing in similar shoes, I had to somewhat agree with her.
So then I got to thinking about how I've always sort of felt that men had it a bit easier than women when it came to a lot of things. Men are simply looked upon more as leaders than women are. This is how I always justified taking the free drinks at bars, reminding myself that this was the place I, as a woman, would have the upper hand. Stupid as shit, I know.
OK, so men are looked at as more authoritative figures, but why? If you ask a man that, I'd bet you a shiny penny he will say "because women let emotions get in the way of their logical thinking".
But here's what they don't get: men don't understand why women are acting the way they are...in fact, they are almost completely clueless. So they boil it down to one word: crazy. HOWEVER. Men don't realize that they too are irrationally acting out for absurd reasons: be it pride, fear, or those ridiculously strong chemicals that drive their hormones. And us women see clear as day exactly what is causing a man's actions.
So how is it that when it is just our nature that we know more about men than they know about us, they still have some sort of authority over us?
It's because it is exactly this that is our downfall. We can accept because we understand, they cannot because they don't.
And the fear of the unknown drives them to always keep it this way.
Something to think about anyway. And for the sake of argument, assume we are talking in generalizations. There are always exceptions.
On a lighter note, I giggled and also shuttered at the terrible truth of this quote from Sunday's episode of True Blood:
"Vampires have often found it advantageous to maintain a hidden presence in humanity’s most powerful institutions. In the 1600s, it was the Catholic church, and today, as you all know, it’s Google, Fox News."
So then I got to thinking about how I've always sort of felt that men had it a bit easier than women when it came to a lot of things. Men are simply looked upon more as leaders than women are. This is how I always justified taking the free drinks at bars, reminding myself that this was the place I, as a woman, would have the upper hand. Stupid as shit, I know.
OK, so men are looked at as more authoritative figures, but why? If you ask a man that, I'd bet you a shiny penny he will say "because women let emotions get in the way of their logical thinking".
But here's what they don't get: men don't understand why women are acting the way they are...in fact, they are almost completely clueless. So they boil it down to one word: crazy. HOWEVER. Men don't realize that they too are irrationally acting out for absurd reasons: be it pride, fear, or those ridiculously strong chemicals that drive their hormones. And us women see clear as day exactly what is causing a man's actions.
So how is it that when it is just our nature that we know more about men than they know about us, they still have some sort of authority over us?
It's because it is exactly this that is our downfall. We can accept because we understand, they cannot because they don't.
And the fear of the unknown drives them to always keep it this way.
Something to think about anyway. And for the sake of argument, assume we are talking in generalizations. There are always exceptions.
On a lighter note, I giggled and also shuttered at the terrible truth of this quote from Sunday's episode of True Blood:
"Vampires have often found it advantageous to maintain a hidden presence in humanity’s most powerful institutions. In the 1600s, it was the Catholic church, and today, as you all know, it’s Google, Fox News."
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Frustrated
These past few weeks I have been extremely frustrated with life. Do you ever get to that point where just nothing is going forward in any department of your life...work, friends, family, love? I try so hard not to be extremely down sometimes, but when major events...or even, lack of events, happen in all four of those areas, singing in the shower seems to be less appealing.
I suppose I haven't written in almost a month because I feel sometimes that there is so much that I don't want anyone to know about my life...and it makes me wonder what that means about me. I have always thought of myself as a good person, maybe a little quick tempered to peoples' insensitivity, but otherwise a good person and a good friend. I can't lie, which has done me more harm than good, I don't steal, and I don't cheat. But I have still found ways to get myself into trouble...dumb mistakes from the ages of 18-22 that I am still living down today and trying to rebuild my life from.
I spent last week moving to a new area in Disney- a position that I was told by casting was at the Yacht and Beach resort working front desk, but was in fact a horribly depressing job at the Swan and Dolphin. As a result of casting's huge failure to recognize their cast members as human beings, I returned to my old area, a step backward to what I thought was a step forward in my career. If I can even call it that. My only plan now is to start working towards a master's degree, which should be pretty cheap considering Disney should pay for some of the credits, and I should get funding for the rest.
It's just that I've developed such a horrible case of Popcorn Brain- the minute I discovered what this was I KNEW I was majorly suffering from it. Basically, I have allowed myself to become a victim of technology and the media. My iPhone is my best friend and my biggest enemy. Our brains need periods of relaxation, but instead of being able to take our downtime we are constantly scrolling through texts, emails, facebook, etc. This constant stimulation has us addicted...and we find ourselves drawn away from the really important things: exercise, more direct social interaction, bettering your life and career, etc. The name of this condition does not convey the severity...or the reality of it all.
I ironically have tried to search...online...for how to "cope" with this...and the only real suggestions are to limit your computer/television usage to a certain amount of time a day and to have real social interactions rather than ones through messaging and facebook. I am taking the first step, I'm admitting my addiction! Please tell me I won't need a sponsor and the whole works to break this one.
I suppose I haven't written in almost a month because I feel sometimes that there is so much that I don't want anyone to know about my life...and it makes me wonder what that means about me. I have always thought of myself as a good person, maybe a little quick tempered to peoples' insensitivity, but otherwise a good person and a good friend. I can't lie, which has done me more harm than good, I don't steal, and I don't cheat. But I have still found ways to get myself into trouble...dumb mistakes from the ages of 18-22 that I am still living down today and trying to rebuild my life from.
I spent last week moving to a new area in Disney- a position that I was told by casting was at the Yacht and Beach resort working front desk, but was in fact a horribly depressing job at the Swan and Dolphin. As a result of casting's huge failure to recognize their cast members as human beings, I returned to my old area, a step backward to what I thought was a step forward in my career. If I can even call it that. My only plan now is to start working towards a master's degree, which should be pretty cheap considering Disney should pay for some of the credits, and I should get funding for the rest.
It's just that I've developed such a horrible case of Popcorn Brain- the minute I discovered what this was I KNEW I was majorly suffering from it. Basically, I have allowed myself to become a victim of technology and the media. My iPhone is my best friend and my biggest enemy. Our brains need periods of relaxation, but instead of being able to take our downtime we are constantly scrolling through texts, emails, facebook, etc. This constant stimulation has us addicted...and we find ourselves drawn away from the really important things: exercise, more direct social interaction, bettering your life and career, etc. The name of this condition does not convey the severity...or the reality of it all.
I ironically have tried to search...online...for how to "cope" with this...and the only real suggestions are to limit your computer/television usage to a certain amount of time a day and to have real social interactions rather than ones through messaging and facebook. I am taking the first step, I'm admitting my addiction! Please tell me I won't need a sponsor and the whole works to break this one.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The insignificant stuff we survive on...
And it's totally alright.
So I've been thinking of random things all week that I wanted to blog about...and now there's just too much that I'll never remember it all.
The new job is going as expected; it definitely is interesting how much the cast members' work day is based on how many one day one park tickets they sell. I don't know yet if it's because of the personal challenge, or if it really is about the rewards. I kind of felt good about today because even though I was in one day hell, I started to pick up more things just by the end of my shift today and I kinda felt like it was working for me. Soo yea might sound a bit insignificant, and even though I miss my old co-workers pretty badly, I'm just glad to finally be given at least an opportunity of a challenge. Little steps, right?
I do have to say that every time I've gone to the theater lately, I've been pretty impressed by the movies I've seen. The latest being Super 8, which I could describe as E.T. with better effects mixed with a modern day Goonies. I think the best part of the movie is that it is not from the perspective of the military, or the police department, or even some unlikely hometown hero. It's from a group of 12-year-olds. Huge recommendation: don't bail as soon as the credits start rolling, wait and you'll finally get to see the zombie flick the kids were working on throughout the film, using their Super 8.
Other movies I have been very impressed with recently are X-Men: First class, surprisingly my favorite of the X-Men films to date. Really great characters and plot. Another was Bridesmaids, which I have to say is one of the best comedies I've seen in a very long time. Some have called it the female Hangover. My opinion? It's better. Doesn't hurt that it's set in a city I got to know very well during my college years, good old Milwaukee.
Then there is On Stranger Tides, beloved to me, of course because up until recently I was one of the Pirate crew. And even though it did not receive the best reviews from critics, the numbers don't lie as it is now the Number 10 film of all time based on global box office gross (third Pirate movie to join the exclusive list, and Johnny's first ;). And for me, it was the second best PoC film to date. (Should I be ashamed to admit that the mermaids and cliche missionary didn't hurt anything?)
Oh and I did meet the Weasley twins, and besides the fact that it seems one of them (specifically Ollie) may have a crush on my ex-boyfriend, it was alright. This, by the way, is what the entire Universal cast believed to be true of Derek and the Weasley who came without his girlfriend and shared a hotel room with him. Unfortunately, I do happen to know that Derek was not sleeping with Ollie during this trip. No fun...
So I've been thinking of random things all week that I wanted to blog about...and now there's just too much that I'll never remember it all.
The new job is going as expected; it definitely is interesting how much the cast members' work day is based on how many one day one park tickets they sell. I don't know yet if it's because of the personal challenge, or if it really is about the rewards. I kind of felt good about today because even though I was in one day hell, I started to pick up more things just by the end of my shift today and I kinda felt like it was working for me. Soo yea might sound a bit insignificant, and even though I miss my old co-workers pretty badly, I'm just glad to finally be given at least an opportunity of a challenge. Little steps, right?
I do have to say that every time I've gone to the theater lately, I've been pretty impressed by the movies I've seen. The latest being Super 8, which I could describe as E.T. with better effects mixed with a modern day Goonies. I think the best part of the movie is that it is not from the perspective of the military, or the police department, or even some unlikely hometown hero. It's from a group of 12-year-olds. Huge recommendation: don't bail as soon as the credits start rolling, wait and you'll finally get to see the zombie flick the kids were working on throughout the film, using their Super 8.
Other movies I have been very impressed with recently are X-Men: First class, surprisingly my favorite of the X-Men films to date. Really great characters and plot. Another was Bridesmaids, which I have to say is one of the best comedies I've seen in a very long time. Some have called it the female Hangover. My opinion? It's better. Doesn't hurt that it's set in a city I got to know very well during my college years, good old Milwaukee.
Then there is On Stranger Tides, beloved to me, of course because up until recently I was one of the Pirate crew. And even though it did not receive the best reviews from critics, the numbers don't lie as it is now the Number 10 film of all time based on global box office gross (third Pirate movie to join the exclusive list, and Johnny's first ;). And for me, it was the second best PoC film to date. (Should I be ashamed to admit that the mermaids and cliche missionary didn't hurt anything?)
Monday, June 6, 2011
Maybe the magic is there...
Isn't it strange how life can feel non-stop, like there is always something going on, but your mind tends to stay in one place despite what's going on around you? I don't know if that makes any sense, but that is how I feel.
I am currently watching Walt: The Man Behind the Myth. I figured it was about time I brushed up on my Disney knowledge. It's just amazing how one person can find the time to do so much. Not only was the man running an entire company that worked around the clock to produce feature length animated pictures, he was wanting more children, playing with toy trains in his backyard, and always expanding his company in some new way. His mind was never in just one place.
The new job has been sort of...refreshing. Maybe it has helped with my current life ADD a little bit, just to have something new and more challenging to do. I think my choice not to become an Adventureland/Liberty Square lifer was the right one.
Tomorrow my ex-boyfriend from high school comes into town. Apparently, he was invited by the Weasley twins from the Harry Potter movies (I believe their names are Fred and Ollie). Derek moved out to L.A. about two years after High School and been living one crazy life...let's just say it takes a certain kind of person to live life the way Derek does. But I guess he's made some pretty cool contacts throughout the years.
The saddest part? I am training the whole time they are here and won't be able to go to Harry Potter World with the Weasleys...which would have been undoubtedly epic. As my Scottish friend would say, I am quite gutted about that.
I'll keep ya posted.
I am currently watching Walt: The Man Behind the Myth. I figured it was about time I brushed up on my Disney knowledge. It's just amazing how one person can find the time to do so much. Not only was the man running an entire company that worked around the clock to produce feature length animated pictures, he was wanting more children, playing with toy trains in his backyard, and always expanding his company in some new way. His mind was never in just one place.
The new job has been sort of...refreshing. Maybe it has helped with my current life ADD a little bit, just to have something new and more challenging to do. I think my choice not to become an Adventureland/Liberty Square lifer was the right one.
Tomorrow my ex-boyfriend from high school comes into town. Apparently, he was invited by the Weasley twins from the Harry Potter movies (I believe their names are Fred and Ollie). Derek moved out to L.A. about two years after High School and been living one crazy life...let's just say it takes a certain kind of person to live life the way Derek does. But I guess he's made some pretty cool contacts throughout the years.
The saddest part? I am training the whole time they are here and won't be able to go to Harry Potter World with the Weasleys...which would have been undoubtedly epic. As my Scottish friend would say, I am quite gutted about that.
I'll keep ya posted.
...And a quick tribute to Disney Sweethearts Wally Boag and Betty Taylor who died one day apart of each other this past week. Rest in Peace Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Life ADD
So I'm not sure how clear I made it in my last posts what exactly it was that I did at Disney. For a year now, I have been operating attractions, specifically Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion. Cult classics. Working in Adventureland and Liberty Square sure is...an adventure. And you can't deny that it's somewhat like being back in High School, except school is set in a fantasy land. This may or may not cause the drama to be at a higher level.
Over the year I have done what I find I've always done, lived for the thrill. I think that's what a lot of my generation has done compared to previous generations. But man, can it have its drawbacks. This past year has unfortunately taken a toll on my already teetering confidence...in more ways than one.
First of all, in my professional life. I am a very calm person, and that makes it harder for me to get noticed by the people that I should be trying to get noticed by. Because of this, I found that moving up with attractions, even after earning a pointless degree (3.8 GPA, what a waste), was incredibly difficult. That really hurts when up until then you presumed yourself a fairly intelligent person. It's not just about your IQ in this world.
Then there was some personal situations I got myself into that I thought I could handle, but it turns out I couldn't....just made me question a lot if I even liked who I was. A little piece of advice? Don't ever get physically involved with someone who can't get over their ex-girlfriend, especially when you cannot stand said ex. You can try to ignore it, but eventually it just becomes enough. Still trying to figure out if friends with benefits can actually work...even when you don't want a relationship. Fail number one with a capital F.
I have no doubt, however that I have grown here a lot too. How I've gotten along with the cast I work with is what really mattered to me, and I think that overall was a success. It helped me break bit by bit out of my shell, and also build my enthusiasm about working for Disney and why I'm doing it.
So, it's time to move on...and I am starting Monday. New job, new life. But hopefully still with old friends.
Over the year I have done what I find I've always done, lived for the thrill. I think that's what a lot of my generation has done compared to previous generations. But man, can it have its drawbacks. This past year has unfortunately taken a toll on my already teetering confidence...in more ways than one.
First of all, in my professional life. I am a very calm person, and that makes it harder for me to get noticed by the people that I should be trying to get noticed by. Because of this, I found that moving up with attractions, even after earning a pointless degree (3.8 GPA, what a waste), was incredibly difficult. That really hurts when up until then you presumed yourself a fairly intelligent person. It's not just about your IQ in this world.
Then there was some personal situations I got myself into that I thought I could handle, but it turns out I couldn't....just made me question a lot if I even liked who I was. A little piece of advice? Don't ever get physically involved with someone who can't get over their ex-girlfriend, especially when you cannot stand said ex. You can try to ignore it, but eventually it just becomes enough. Still trying to figure out if friends with benefits can actually work...even when you don't want a relationship. Fail number one with a capital F.
I have no doubt, however that I have grown here a lot too. How I've gotten along with the cast I work with is what really mattered to me, and I think that overall was a success. It helped me break bit by bit out of my shell, and also build my enthusiasm about working for Disney and why I'm doing it.
So, it's time to move on...and I am starting Monday. New job, new life. But hopefully still with old friends.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Yep...
Gosh, I could really use a do-over for these past couple of days. My subconscious or whatever it is that has me determined to fail at life accidentally has taken it one step further to making things strange at work.
I like to avoid drama, and I usually do. But sometimes I find myself talking or doing when I should just be thinking, and other things escalate until more and more people get involved until you have a disaster...
Don't make the mistake of doing this at work, as easy as it has proven to be.
Also, didn't buy a Powerball ticket on Wednesday, and someone won the jackpot. Guess I expected my karmic bargaining for Japan to be reallly karmic, because that would be amazing if I'd won without buying a ticket.
I've been thinking about Europe a lot. Well England really. I recently messaged all my close friends with whom I spent a wonderful and amazing year with in 2001 (my Freshman year of High School-there, year 10 grammar school). They are all doing such great things! I finally got a message back from the last girl, who was one of my closest friends in Tunbridge Wells. She says she graduated with a Fine Arts degree and is selling her art, but what she really wants to be a pop star. She is currently recording raps with a producer. If you knew this girl when I did, you would think this incredibly intriguing- Laura was one of the poshest in the bunch. This is her blog:
http://immadeofstars.blogspot.com/2011/04/p-p-i-s-r-o-l-l-i-n-g-s-t-o-n-e.html
I hung out with some amazing girls when I lived in England, they were smart and funny but still lived life like a 15-year-old should; like you have everything ahead of you to live for. I am so amazed and happy to see that most of them stayed that way. I really have known some amazing people in my life.
They are my motivation to pick myself up.
:D
I like to avoid drama, and I usually do. But sometimes I find myself talking or doing when I should just be thinking, and other things escalate until more and more people get involved until you have a disaster...
Don't make the mistake of doing this at work, as easy as it has proven to be.
Also, didn't buy a Powerball ticket on Wednesday, and someone won the jackpot. Guess I expected my karmic bargaining for Japan to be reallly karmic, because that would be amazing if I'd won without buying a ticket.
I've been thinking about Europe a lot. Well England really. I recently messaged all my close friends with whom I spent a wonderful and amazing year with in 2001 (my Freshman year of High School-there, year 10 grammar school). They are all doing such great things! I finally got a message back from the last girl, who was one of my closest friends in Tunbridge Wells. She says she graduated with a Fine Arts degree and is selling her art, but what she really wants to be a pop star. She is currently recording raps with a producer. If you knew this girl when I did, you would think this incredibly intriguing- Laura was one of the poshest in the bunch. This is her blog:
http://immadeofstars.blogspot.com/2011/04/p-p-i-s-r-o-l-l-i-n-g-s-t-o-n-e.html
I hung out with some amazing girls when I lived in England, they were smart and funny but still lived life like a 15-year-old should; like you have everything ahead of you to live for. I am so amazed and happy to see that most of them stayed that way. I really have known some amazing people in my life.
They are my motivation to pick myself up.
:D
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My Vow
I will be buying several Powerball tickets and VOW that if I win I am sending $20 million to Japan...I am putting it in print here so I can never go back on my word. Consider this a contract.
Plan B I can probably scrounge up 20 bucks.
Signed,
Allison H.
Plan B I can probably scrounge up 20 bucks.
Signed,
Allison H.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Annoying Virtues
Reckless behavior. Why does it exist? What is it that drives people to make poor decisions that will ultimately lead to their own failure?
I think it could be that it doesn't seem like the wrong decision at the time, it is just the one that will make you feel like you are actually living, alive. It's not until the aftershock of the consequences that you realize that it was in fact, reckless behavior.
A quote that has been floating around on the net today was this among others from the late Elizabeth Taylor:
I think it could be that it doesn't seem like the wrong decision at the time, it is just the one that will make you feel like you are actually living, alive. It's not until the aftershock of the consequences that you realize that it was in fact, reckless behavior.
A quote that has been floating around on the net today was this among others from the late Elizabeth Taylor:
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wisconsin's Dictatorship
So I'm going to be brief about this one, because honestly after all the debates I have read on the issue my head just kind of hurts.
So Scott Walker gets voted in by only a small percentage as Wisconsin's governor and shocks even many who voted for him by attacking less than 10% of the state's workers, mainly, teachers by moving to dismantle the workers' union and increasing costs of benefits. Which means there goes their bargaining rights.
What do I think it comes down to?
One: why the teachers? Why this small percentage of middle class workers who hold your child's education, future and safety in their hands? It's not like their profession hasn't been attacked enough in recent years- isn't it obvious that the state is trying to pinpoint low student test scores on the teachers when in fact there are a lot of things that contribute, and I have to say I truly believe its mostly on today's parents. I encounter hundreds of parents every single day. They are not all bad, but things are definitely different now.
Two: Why not other state workers- namely, the police and fire department? Oh yeah, because they backed him in the election. And have guns, and don't require a degree. And get to retire early on with great benefits. Wait...none of these are good reasons.
Three: So it helps with less than 1% of the budget...why not raise Wisconsin's already lower than most sales taxes? I know people are tired of raised taxes but clearly if this whole ordeal only seals up one percent of the budget, can't we find the money elsewhere and not prey on the most convenient of victims? And once it starts with the teachers, where and who does it end with?
Four: If a teacher is really bad and can be proven to be so, the union will not want to weaken itself by fighting for them...getting rid of the union is not the only way to get rid of bad teachers.
And on a side note:
The Dems had to leave Madison...or with one swift vote we would come so much closer to this dictatorship Walker is completely fine with implementing. Can't we just avoid the layoffs- all this will do is make the economy worse!
I will be back with an update on what my Dad and stepmother have to say on the situation (she is a 6th grade teacher and also a hardcore conservative who voted for Walker).
Until next time.
So Scott Walker gets voted in by only a small percentage as Wisconsin's governor and shocks even many who voted for him by attacking less than 10% of the state's workers, mainly, teachers by moving to dismantle the workers' union and increasing costs of benefits. Which means there goes their bargaining rights.
What do I think it comes down to?
One: why the teachers? Why this small percentage of middle class workers who hold your child's education, future and safety in their hands? It's not like their profession hasn't been attacked enough in recent years- isn't it obvious that the state is trying to pinpoint low student test scores on the teachers when in fact there are a lot of things that contribute, and I have to say I truly believe its mostly on today's parents. I encounter hundreds of parents every single day. They are not all bad, but things are definitely different now.
Two: Why not other state workers- namely, the police and fire department? Oh yeah, because they backed him in the election. And have guns, and don't require a degree. And get to retire early on with great benefits. Wait...none of these are good reasons.
Three: So it helps with less than 1% of the budget...why not raise Wisconsin's already lower than most sales taxes? I know people are tired of raised taxes but clearly if this whole ordeal only seals up one percent of the budget, can't we find the money elsewhere and not prey on the most convenient of victims? And once it starts with the teachers, where and who does it end with?
Four: If a teacher is really bad and can be proven to be so, the union will not want to weaken itself by fighting for them...getting rid of the union is not the only way to get rid of bad teachers.
And on a side note:
The Dems had to leave Madison...or with one swift vote we would come so much closer to this dictatorship Walker is completely fine with implementing. Can't we just avoid the layoffs- all this will do is make the economy worse!
I will be back with an update on what my Dad and stepmother have to say on the situation (she is a 6th grade teacher and also a hardcore conservative who voted for Walker).
Until next time.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Green and Yellow
I would not call myself a sports fanatic of any type, but if there's one sport I can really get into it's football. And being from Wisconsin, my team is obviously the Green Bay Packers.
Now, we haven't been to the Super Bowl since 1997, which I barely remember. And after Favre left, I wasn't sure if we'd be seeing it anytime soon. But here we are, less than 24 hours away from the big game. Exciting, although I feel a little tinge of sadness at the fact that I won't be able to watch with other Wisconsin fans. We seriously get riled up about our Packers!
I also read that Obama will be backing the Packers this year. And this is not the first Bears fan who I heard this from today, actually. So why is Obama for the green and gold even though we put his team to shame two Sundays ago? Because the Packers "exemplify a model of public-private collaboration that represents the best hope for the nation, and for his presidency".
The Pack is the only NFL team in the nation that is not privately owned, but a nonprofit, community owned entity. This came to be nearly 90 years ago, and if the team were created today it would not be allowed!
Apparently this is because the NFL believes that the collaboration of private and government is dangerous, but it seems the Packers have proved this to be incorrect. Apparently, Obama is looking at collaborative governance a lot closer...
I suppose it's about time we take a new approach.
Now, we haven't been to the Super Bowl since 1997, which I barely remember. And after Favre left, I wasn't sure if we'd be seeing it anytime soon. But here we are, less than 24 hours away from the big game. Exciting, although I feel a little tinge of sadness at the fact that I won't be able to watch with other Wisconsin fans. We seriously get riled up about our Packers!
I also read that Obama will be backing the Packers this year. And this is not the first Bears fan who I heard this from today, actually. So why is Obama for the green and gold even though we put his team to shame two Sundays ago? Because the Packers "exemplify a model of public-private collaboration that represents the best hope for the nation, and for his presidency".
The Pack is the only NFL team in the nation that is not privately owned, but a nonprofit, community owned entity. This came to be nearly 90 years ago, and if the team were created today it would not be allowed!
Apparently this is because the NFL believes that the collaboration of private and government is dangerous, but it seems the Packers have proved this to be incorrect. Apparently, Obama is looking at collaborative governance a lot closer...
I suppose it's about time we take a new approach.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Beneath sheets of paper is where my truth lies
You know what I hate about blogging? There's so much you can't say. This is what I will say...
I am in limbo in life right now...overcoming an entirely too long past of addictions that I thought were normal up until now. The three main vices...had a problem with them all. And no one was there to tell me to quit. Now I'm 24 years old and finally finding out for myself that I need to, and hoping it doesn't hold me back from the rest of my life.
Have I ever expressed how much this world of organizations (of all kinds) and corporate greed ticks me off on a day-to-day basis? Maybe once or twice.
I work for a company in which you get places by schmoozing and having the right things to say and being in the right place at the right time. This means I am completely and utterly STUCK. And it's funny because I am a social person, and I do get along with pretty much everyone. But I've never learned how to be selfish. Why didn't anyone tell me growing up that it was the bad traits- dishonesty, impatience, greed; that I needed to get where I wanted to go? But it's mainly because I am not in the right place. Clicking, it's about being comfortable, and the drama that goes on in my area is one for the books, so it's very difficult to feel adequate, especially when you're a newbie.
Actually let me rephrase that: a female newbie.
On another note, I just finished (finally) Stieg Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and loved it. It's been a long time since I've read a mystery that I liked this much, guess this means I'll have to invest my precious time in reading the next two books. There is already a film, in subtitles, which I have debated watching, but am afraid it will ruin the book. Probably not as much as the American version undoubtedly will, although the casting is interesting.
Lisbeth Salander has definitely become one of my new fictional role models...if only I could be a mysterious genius like her. Maybe one day...
I am in limbo in life right now...overcoming an entirely too long past of addictions that I thought were normal up until now. The three main vices...had a problem with them all. And no one was there to tell me to quit. Now I'm 24 years old and finally finding out for myself that I need to, and hoping it doesn't hold me back from the rest of my life.
Have I ever expressed how much this world of organizations (of all kinds) and corporate greed ticks me off on a day-to-day basis? Maybe once or twice.
I work for a company in which you get places by schmoozing and having the right things to say and being in the right place at the right time. This means I am completely and utterly STUCK. And it's funny because I am a social person, and I do get along with pretty much everyone. But I've never learned how to be selfish. Why didn't anyone tell me growing up that it was the bad traits- dishonesty, impatience, greed; that I needed to get where I wanted to go? But it's mainly because I am not in the right place. Clicking, it's about being comfortable, and the drama that goes on in my area is one for the books, so it's very difficult to feel adequate, especially when you're a newbie.
Actually let me rephrase that: a female newbie.
On another note, I just finished (finally) Stieg Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and loved it. It's been a long time since I've read a mystery that I liked this much, guess this means I'll have to invest my precious time in reading the next two books. There is already a film, in subtitles, which I have debated watching, but am afraid it will ruin the book. Probably not as much as the American version undoubtedly will, although the casting is interesting.
Lisbeth Salander has definitely become one of my new fictional role models...if only I could be a mysterious genius like her. Maybe one day...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Changing..
Lately I've been looking at my life and finding myself amazed at how different I am than even a few months ago. It's pretty intriguing how stress can change the person you are and the outlook you have on life and relationships.
So I'm reluctantly about to start my new project, or month-late new year's resolution. Sobriety. Ugh, no fun. But the fact is that when I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop, and until I can control that I have to just give it up for awhile. I just need to start concentrating on the alternative: finding a fricken job. My job at Disney is not going to cut it forever, and the longer I stay the longer I will fall down the rabbit hole and away from the knowledge I gained in college. Not to mention, I can't afford the brain cells I am killing off anymore. I'm 24, time to grow up in that sense.
So I never realized that people were actually reading my blog until after my last post. Suddenly I have people relating to me, and as much as I'm a little embarrassed (especially for bringing up what was my lack of a sex life), I think it's kind of nice they care. If there is one thing that's for sure about me, it's that I will always listen to other people's problems. But I never expect them to listen back.
There is a strange balance of pessimism and optimism going on in my head at all times.
So I'm reluctantly about to start my new project, or month-late new year's resolution. Sobriety. Ugh, no fun. But the fact is that when I start drinking, it's hard for me to stop, and until I can control that I have to just give it up for awhile. I just need to start concentrating on the alternative: finding a fricken job. My job at Disney is not going to cut it forever, and the longer I stay the longer I will fall down the rabbit hole and away from the knowledge I gained in college. Not to mention, I can't afford the brain cells I am killing off anymore. I'm 24, time to grow up in that sense.
So I never realized that people were actually reading my blog until after my last post. Suddenly I have people relating to me, and as much as I'm a little embarrassed (especially for bringing up what was my lack of a sex life), I think it's kind of nice they care. If there is one thing that's for sure about me, it's that I will always listen to other people's problems. But I never expect them to listen back.
There is a strange balance of pessimism and optimism going on in my head at all times.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Overcoming that feeling...
So the reason I haven't been writing is for a reason that I would usually never admit in an online blog...but, it's because I feel like my life is at a stalemate. Back in the day, I found writing to be a passion of mine and that is what I used to express what was going on inside of me. I loved to research topics and people and use my own words to put it all on paper. But since college, I just lost interest. And it hasn't been until recently that I have recognized the cause: depression. Unfortunately, I've always known that I am very susceptible because of genetics. My father will never be happy with his life, and one of my biggest fears is that that will happen to me. To make matters worse, my situation right now has been hard dealing with certain family matters, job situation, and a terrible situation that I got myself into right before moving down.
I have put off dating indefinitely so I can finally concentrate on me, but all I find myself doing is wanting sex! It's terrible, and the thing is I have to like them as a person before I am going to do anything, so I've just been staying frustrated. I don't want to do anything with a stranger. It's been months, and I honestly wonder if it would help clear my mind at this point. Or do I just forget about the mere existence of the act?
Another problem? I just can't decide how "Disney" I really am. Do I really want to work towards a future in the company, and if I do, I need to get out of my area or find a way to get the attention of superiors that don't pay attention. I find myself so torn...am I into all the hype or am I just pretending to be?
I can't wait til this feeling goes away...I miss my passion...
I have put off dating indefinitely so I can finally concentrate on me, but all I find myself doing is wanting sex! It's terrible, and the thing is I have to like them as a person before I am going to do anything, so I've just been staying frustrated. I don't want to do anything with a stranger. It's been months, and I honestly wonder if it would help clear my mind at this point. Or do I just forget about the mere existence of the act?
Another problem? I just can't decide how "Disney" I really am. Do I really want to work towards a future in the company, and if I do, I need to get out of my area or find a way to get the attention of superiors that don't pay attention. I find myself so torn...am I into all the hype or am I just pretending to be?
I can't wait til this feeling goes away...I miss my passion...
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