Welcoming in an ODd year...

2013...almost sounds like an unlucky year. Well I'd like to think of it as an odd year. So New Year's Resolutions, to make them or not to make them? To admit that you need a new number to motivate yourself to do things that you've put off until now, or to look at it as a new beginning like most do for approximately 72 hours?

One resolution I will not be making is the ever so popular eat healthy/work out resolution. People make it every year, sales in treadmills peak for about 2 months and then you get busy and let it dwindle down to once a week, to even never. Doing these things should just be on your mind all year round, and it's too generic for me.

My main goal this year is simple to say but so very difficult to do: It's to know what I want. In every aspect. Or at least to make a huge attempt to figure it out.

I may not begin to find this out January 1, 2013, but it sure as hell will be in the front of my mind all year long.

Here's hoping for an odd, eccentric, unique, special and exciting year :)

Bottom's up! 

Well this is familiar...

So it's been six month since I've posted, and what am I currently doing? Waiting for my ex to come bring me the rest of my things that I left at his house. I've definitely been here before, and feel I am bound to repeat this cycle time after time. Except now it's not even interesting anymore. All the past cheaters, liars and whatever else in my life and what was this one's crime? Commitment phobia! At least this time I don't have to get angry...sure I'll have unwarranted waves of anger come at me over things we said in our fight or the way he tries to make it seem like I had a choice in breaking up with him. But really I can't get mad at a person for not being ready. Gosh I feel so adult saying that. I guess I always knew he had strange walls up, yet the things he said contradicted those walls. Because of that I mostly feel like I'm losing a best friend.

I am getting a bit nervous though, as he will be at my door any moment and it may be the last time I see him on purpose. I wish I knew more of what was actually going on in his head right now...probably a mixture of things like me. Unfortunately I think he will choose anger to make himself feel better about 6 months down the drain, and that's not what I wanted. In my experience, men have not been the best at displaying the proper emotion in times like these. But maybe it's because the woman's emotions are too much for them. How do people ever end up married?

OK OkOkK...Let's get his over with...

Crazy, Stupid, People

Growing up, and when I made my somewhat hasty decision what I wanted to go to school for, I had always thought that I wanted to be a part of the media more than anything. I wanted to write sensational stories about other people. But why? For me, it was mostly because I wanted to write. But after added years of wisdom, and I hate to say it, cynicism, I began to wonder if this was an organization I could really be a part of without becoming just really depressed about life. Of course, there are always the dream jobs, like being actually employed by a travel blog or a quirky site like cracked.com. But if you want a real job in the media, you're probably going to be writing stories about that guy who shot his neighbor over a Philly cheese steak. 

Every day when I sit in the cafeteria at work, someone has Headline News on, and some lady is repetitively telling me the same thing and making sure I know how horrible it is. And it's always the same kind of shit. Sensationalized, terrible human shit that is not going to change your life one bit. And the local media is even worse, because then you sit and watch how fucked up the place you live is. So why do we watch it? So we know exactly how messed up people are, or worse, to bring excitement to our otherwise mundane lives? 

Ok, so you realized this and don't waste your time watching it. Many people don't. Now what about the stuff that might affect us? You've got the media that tells you what to think about policies or the candidates, so you pick the outlets that reinforce what you already believe, when really, that is not the media's intended job at all. Then news outlets need more to report because they've got so much airtime to fill, that they start to report shit that doesn't matter, and suddenly you are being told what to think about. Funny thing is, I am still such a whore to so much of it (the media that is), even if I can't help but be disheartened by it.

I could rant so much further, but this is a blog of musings, not extenuated rants. I just felt I needed to verbally make my peace about why I am currently not sure what I want to turn my journalism degree into, but I am sure what I don't want to do with it. 

On a side note, I'm totally looking into how I can write for Cracked.com now. Now I just need to make an epic list. http://www.cracked.com/write-for-cracked/
 

A Weird Stigma

Today I was thinking about something Mischa Barton (of all people, who cares right?) said to the press once. This is back when she was somewhat relevant, but still an idiot. She said "The truth is pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas". And people laughed it off like "Oh poor, pretty Mischa Barton. Life must suck". They also laughed because, well, she's an idiot. But something has to be said about her comment.

Now I am not going to pretend I am anywhere near as gorgeous as Mischa, because if I were, I would have starred in my very own Enrique music video. But 25 years of experience has told me one thing, and that is that guys want to fuck me. God I feel full of myself even typing that out now, but trust me when I say I am not saying this with a chest full of pride or a big head. Because to put it bluntly, it mostly just sucks. (Not to mention, dudes in general are easy.)

Most girls hate other girls, except for of course, "their girls". And when I say girls I am talking mostly about women in their 20s but can't call them women because this is not a very "adult situation", but as Brandon Boyd of Incubus says, I understand why they say, high school never ends. It has always been this way- especially amongst attractive girls. It's something I've somewhat sensed in my workplace as of late, and it's funny because I find myself worrying what they think so much more than I ever worry about what the guys at work think. Being "the new girl at work" does not really help in this situation. And I hate to say it, but in general, I definitely witness girls being much nicer to less attractive girls than girls of equal or higher hotness levels. It is definitely a tougher battle getting another female to like you when you have that "weird stigma" problem.

And then there's the guys of course. It is so much more difficult to weed out the a-holes when you are dealing with these stigmas. This is because a-holes are mainly going after chicks they want to fuck. Pretty self explanatory, but it sure does make it more difficult to find the one who really wants you for you, especially when they are doing a pretty good job of telling you what you want to hear. And then the shy, good ones are too afraid to approach so I'm just stuck with the jerks. And I swear, it's not like I'm trying, I was over my bad boy stage like 3 years ago! But they still find me. C'est la vie.

A Broken System

So I recently got back from a week long trip to Wisconsin/Minneapolis, and although I had a great time seeing my family and watching my brother graduate, I got myself a little stressed out reading all those Scott Walker signs and being ultimately disappointed in North Carolina's decision (if the vote wasn't rigged-61%, really??)

I used to like to say that I had moderate political views, or preferred not to identify with a party because, well to put it simply, all politicians suck in some way and I don't agree with anyone 100%. But I can't help to think more and more What the F$@% are the Republicans thinking?!? And why does it feel that the majority of people are going along with their garbage that is ultimately going to hurt them, unless of course they are a business owner. 

The basic breakdown of Wisconsin's historic recall election is this: Scott Walker was elected governor and turned around and was like bam bam - there go all your rights. This pissed a lot of people off so they took the time, collected signatures, picketed the capitol daily, and spent some government money to have his ass recalled- which is happening, but most likely with the same results as before. And of course, Walker has raised the big bucks from supporting companies.

It's funny because my Dad has always been a major Republican. This is mostly due to him being conservative and not believing in abortion or those types of "liberal views". Basically, in my eyes, people's right to choose. But I'll never forget a conversation we had once where I argued against their whole idea of capitalism and he basically gave me that patriotic crap where America is the place that people can come and work hard and get to the top and they deserve to make those big bucks. Well guess what. None of those businesses would be shit without their laborers and lower level managers. So we should really be giving 88% of the companies' profits solely to the top dogs because "they hit the big time and get to live the American dream" while the other 98% of Americans struggle with poverty and slip away from solid middle class? Not to mention, it is arguably a primary cause for our economic turmoil. To put it simply: no one's putting money into the economy because no one has money to go buy anything! And you know why? Because it's all sitting untouched in the CEO's bank account. And the funny thing is, my Dad's always been a poor guy, along with so many people that vote for this.

Then Walker came along. So my stepmother is a teacher, a teacher who had just earned her masters for a little bit of a raise. And there is no one Walker pissed off more then the teachers. When he took away their bargaining rights, he also took away her raise, which she now will never receive, and also has her paying more for her benefits. Funny, how quickly a hardcore Republican family can turn to the left when a politician's moves effect them directly. And they did. 

And that just pulls around to the thing that really kills me: people voting based solely on their conservative values. This is why the party system is ultimately flawed and our system is just downright broken. Abortion, gay rights, guns. If we vote Romney into office, guess what, he's not going to ban abortion. And if we vote Obama into office, he never once said he was going to take away your stupid gun collection or your concealed weapons right. People are ignorantly placing what they think matters into a specific party and voting for it. And as far as gay rights go, it just makes me sick that a majority of this country is so afraid of change that they don't think people deserve the same rights they do. Where does it say in the bible that gay marriage is wrong- friggin nowhere.

Focus on the stuff that is really going to make a difference people- our earth, our economy and just our respect for everyone's equal rights.

Circles

The moment you start feeling sorry for yourself, quit it. This is the most wasteful thing you could possibly do with your time.

Something that's been on my mind lately. Simple, but big.

Also, look at this picture and don't smile. Can't do it can ya?

Fighting for Stuff that Doesn't Matter

I am a stubborn person by nature. I don't know where I got it, being that my dad is the timid passive aggressive type and my mother is a bit of a people pleaser. But somewhere in my timeline I decided that I needed to stand up for and argue anything I didn't agree with- and this is in all areas of life: be it a differing viewpoint my friend has, a "love interest" not acting how I wish he would, or the management team at work not paying the attention that I strongly believe they should.

Unfortunately, I have found that this tactic is not quite working for me, being that the way I address these issues is in kind of a "hit and run" style. I recently had a horrifying realization, which was crap, I'm a total commitment phob. I never realized that it could be a problem of mine, seeing as I totally gender-stereotyped the shit out of that concept and thought it was a problem only men, or boys had. But really, I'm scared $*@#less of confining myself to any one thing for too long.

With dating, I do the same thing every time. I find the first thing that I wish they would do differently, then analyze it to death until I convince myself it means they are no good and basically tell them to hit the road in one way or the other. Then I of course blame them for acting like an ass about it.

Then my job...oh the joys of being 25 and having very little idea in which direction you want to set forth. The thing with working at Disney World, when one thing doesn't work out, you can leave and try somewhere else. But I'm always starting over, just like with so many other things in life.

So here I am, subconsciously fighting against everything that leads to that "white picket fence" type of life everyone seems to hope they have by my age, and having mixed feelings about what I should do about it. But what I mostly wonder, is are those people really any happier? Or do they just have a different set of worries from day to day?

Maybe I just haven't had my real adventure yet. And until then, I won't be able to commit to anything.

Women...think?

So with all this hype about candidates' wives being called out for never working a day in their lives, or choosing to be mothers, or even choosing to work on this instead of that, it has me thinking. Again, I guess one of the most fascinating topics for me is the difference between girls and guys and what makes them tick the way that they do.

For centuries, women have been looked at as man's companion and it was set upon men to do the thinking for the pair. And then came along Gloria Steinem and the whole world was turned upside down. OK, maybe it wasn't quite that simple. But progressively through more recent years women have decided more and more to start thinking and acting independently to men. And we come to today. Would you call it evolution? Would you call it a radical and important change? Would you say it's against nature?

I'm sure most women's first instinct is to say damn right, I think for myself and don't let a stupid man influence my life decisions. We, of course, are partly lying to ourselves because we are hard wired to want some kind of man in our life. Stable boyfriend, best friend, sex friend. It's just not as cut and dry as it used to be; we don't need to have our family started by the time we are 19 anymore.

Here's what I think. I think that certain hardwired gender traits too often stop a person from being the best that they can be. Look at men and their natural need to spread their seed. Gets them in soo much trouble that billions of dollars are made on bad reality and talk shows that are evolved around this one single indubitable fact. How many men with some of the most powerful positions in America have come crashing down so they could get a blow job or have crazy forbidden sex with that average looking reporter. Does it happen to women? Yes. But not a whole lot.

And then women. And they're thinking. What happened to the good old days when women didn't get all feminist and political about everything? Truth is, women have always been this way, they just used to think about these things a lot more to themselves. And the damning gender trait for women? They are not just over thinking, they are over feeling. And the more time they have to think about something, the more it becomes a sensitive matter until the emotions have overcome the logical thinking that she is still holding on to in the back of her head. Oh, she'll realize it later. But the emotions will come into play before she can stop herself. This equates to what appears to others as a lack of self confidence, and I think most people know how important that is in our world.

I think it's definitely safe to say the role of men and women have changed drastically over just the past 60 years and everyone's finding the best way they know how to function in a world with less but more rules.

There's a great new year, and then, there's February.

So my good friend Casey has had a theory ever since High School about the month of February. Her theory is that no matter how good life is at the time, February is a terrible, awful month. She told me about this theory about two Februaries back, whilst at a friends' birthday party. Our friend had gotten so drunk he was lying on the floor saying nonsense things, like any really drunk person might do. Any other night, this might have been ignored. But Casey got extremely nervous and was concerned about leaving him there because it was February, and the most terrible things in her life had always happened in February.

So, of course I dismissed this idea as a series of bad coincidences.

I entered 2012 with a raging optimism that I had been ready for since November. I promised that this new year would be one where I actually reached my ultimate goal, which is simply happiness. Simple. Kinda funny how some people might call this the most complicated goal in life. But for the most part I've had had a pretty awesome 2012 with great people to share it with.

Then came February. A few weeks back, my uncle who I grew up next door to pretty much my whole childhood, suffered a seizure, after which he discovered he had a tumor. He and the doctors were pretty optimistic about. Then in February, we found out he had stage 4 brain cancer. There is no way to know how much time is left. Puts things into perspective when the most fit, healthy person you know has a deadline.

And then a phone call today, finding out that a friend cashed in on his. What else do you say but why?

All I've been doing this February is waiting for March.