You know what feeling I have a hard time shaking, or not thinking about? The idea of how huge this world really is. How many people, and lives, and families are in it. I was just watching Greenberg, a random but thought-provoking Ben Stiller film. In it, his OCD and painfully awkward character proclaims:
"Well duh it's a small world, everyone knows that."
I've never felt that way. I can't help but wonder why or how I even matter sometimes. So many people can do what I do and better. But the one fact remains, no one is youer than you (Dr. Seuss). You just gotta make you a you you love.
The world has gotten progressively worse, I don't think many people can argue that. Does anyone ever wonder if that's because it has gotten progressively bigger? Maybe everyone's survival instinct has increased because they feel there is more competition, maybe it's natural. I'm not excusing what a shitty place the world is, because I swear one day soon God is going to say "You know, I said I wouldn't flood this place again, but screw it, it's gotten worse than I imagined. So and so, build me an ark."
Speaking of a shitty place, I can't help but wonder how this situation with the miners in Chile will turn out. The 33 miners stuck in a 540-square-foot area, 2,300 feet underground were discovered after 18 days and just told that they won't be rescued for another 4 months.
I love how at the end of the article I read it says "3 to 4 of the miners are showing signs of anxiety and depression". How do they figure that? It's not like they're sending shrinks down there to examine them. Wouldn't they all be showing some signs of anxiety? They barely have space to move and just found out they won't be out by Christmas! Wonder how their survival instinct is kicking in.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Who Knows
It's been almost 2 days since my break-up, not one I expected at all, but at the same time am more sure than any about. And ironically, he's the best guy I ever dated. Yes, he lied to me about his beliefs for over a year, and I felt a hint of deja vu because I feel like I always end up feeling like I don't know the guy in the end. But otherwise, he was very good to me. I just can't though. I can't. I really don't want to get into my beliefs, so I'm not going to. And I'm trying not to be judgmental, but it's definitely hard when you feel like someone so close to you has been misguided.
So, what's been getting me through? Well, talking to people, of course. But also I have fell head over heels in love with True Blood. And seriously, I am not a vampire fanatic. I do not love Twilight, I fell asleep at the first one and never bothered to see the others. But after starting Season 2 of True Blood, I am hooked. There are so many plots and characters that just fascinate me. Sometimes I wonder why TV doesn't get more recognition than it does when shows like this come around.
The weirdest feeling after a break up? Not knowing what you'll life will be like afterwards. That's why so many people hang on so hard. They don't want to find out. I guess I'm ready. And I know, there will be times I feel extremely lonely. But it's a price I can finally stand to pay after everything. The drama that can come from relationships is endless, and tiring. And it can come straight out of nowhere.
I actually want to go to work tomorrow, how sad is that.
So, what's been getting me through? Well, talking to people, of course. But also I have fell head over heels in love with True Blood. And seriously, I am not a vampire fanatic. I do not love Twilight, I fell asleep at the first one and never bothered to see the others. But after starting Season 2 of True Blood, I am hooked. There are so many plots and characters that just fascinate me. Sometimes I wonder why TV doesn't get more recognition than it does when shows like this come around.
The weirdest feeling after a break up? Not knowing what you'll life will be like afterwards. That's why so many people hang on so hard. They don't want to find out. I guess I'm ready. And I know, there will be times I feel extremely lonely. But it's a price I can finally stand to pay after everything. The drama that can come from relationships is endless, and tiring. And it can come straight out of nowhere.
I actually want to go to work tomorrow, how sad is that.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Big Dark Lies
So I haven't been posting lately, but something tells me I will have a lot more time on my hands now. And that something is that I've officially broken up with my boyfriend.
My dating history is, to say the least, a mess. I always end up with guys who lie a ridiculous amount. Edwin wasn't a complete liar like them, but our relationship has ironically ended because of a lie. One really big lie. Let me give you a little idea of how serious I am when I say I've dated liars.
First, there was Derek. My High School boyfriend. Derek was a pathological liar, about all kinds of stuff. He would tell stories so far fetched that I had to know they weren't true, but I was so obsessed I tried to tell myself I could make him a better person. Derek did a lot of shitty things to me, but it was all about him. I just needed to get out. And after way too much pain, I did.
But then came Adam, an even worse liar. I didn't know a thing about this person, because everything he told me was not true. He went as far as to tell me that he went to college, when I learned later he had actually been in prison. I LIVED with this man. We broke up when I found out he was trying to get with my friends.
Then there was Aaron, a long distance relationship that is the one time I can honestly say I acted as somewhat of a gold digger. He took me places, paid for everything. I tried to believe it was a real relationship, but I knew he wasn't really any good. Learned after our 8 month thing ended that he had another girlfriend at home. Wonder what he told her every weekend he came up?
Then came Mike. Mike was a good guy for the most part, and I really liked him. Unfortunately, I later learned he was addicted to pain medication and he needed time alone to deal with it. Bye bye Mike.
And then Chad. A complete piece of trash. Cheated on me, lied to me, and worse things I don't want to mention. Ended up forcing me to drive his company car home drunk one night because he wanted to help out some girls he'd just met that night and wanted to get with (she was 17). I got a DUI. He still tried to get with the girl.
So why did I stay in all these things? Because they just lied so damn well. They really made me believe that I meant so much to them. And I hate to say it, but I have always purposely dated out of my league, because I've always felt after Derek that I needed to be loved more than I loved them. How else would it work?
And then I moved to Florida and finally thought I'd found someone real. We were friends for almost six months before we actually started dating, and I dated him because I thought finally, I'd met a good guy. 9 months later, I was starting to think he might be the one, finally. After the big fuck-up relationships and the smaller dating failures.
And after all my skepticism about everything I knew Edwin wouldn't do like the others, something came out of nowhere that was an instant deal breaker. After over a year, Edwin failed to tell me that he and his family are Jehovah's Witnesses.
"So you're telling me that you've been stringing me along, letting us get this serious, and you never told me something like that? That if we have kids, they can't celebrate Christmas or their birthdays? That you and your family have let their lives become conformed around a religion written by bitter conservatives only 100 years ago? When were you going to tell me?"
"I was too terrified, it was selfish, I know."
And what else can he say. My relationship that I thought might be forever has turned to non existent in one morning, after seeing a fucking refrigerator magnet.
My dating history is, to say the least, a mess. I always end up with guys who lie a ridiculous amount. Edwin wasn't a complete liar like them, but our relationship has ironically ended because of a lie. One really big lie. Let me give you a little idea of how serious I am when I say I've dated liars.
First, there was Derek. My High School boyfriend. Derek was a pathological liar, about all kinds of stuff. He would tell stories so far fetched that I had to know they weren't true, but I was so obsessed I tried to tell myself I could make him a better person. Derek did a lot of shitty things to me, but it was all about him. I just needed to get out. And after way too much pain, I did.
But then came Adam, an even worse liar. I didn't know a thing about this person, because everything he told me was not true. He went as far as to tell me that he went to college, when I learned later he had actually been in prison. I LIVED with this man. We broke up when I found out he was trying to get with my friends.
Then there was Aaron, a long distance relationship that is the one time I can honestly say I acted as somewhat of a gold digger. He took me places, paid for everything. I tried to believe it was a real relationship, but I knew he wasn't really any good. Learned after our 8 month thing ended that he had another girlfriend at home. Wonder what he told her every weekend he came up?
Then came Mike. Mike was a good guy for the most part, and I really liked him. Unfortunately, I later learned he was addicted to pain medication and he needed time alone to deal with it. Bye bye Mike.
And then Chad. A complete piece of trash. Cheated on me, lied to me, and worse things I don't want to mention. Ended up forcing me to drive his company car home drunk one night because he wanted to help out some girls he'd just met that night and wanted to get with (she was 17). I got a DUI. He still tried to get with the girl.
So why did I stay in all these things? Because they just lied so damn well. They really made me believe that I meant so much to them. And I hate to say it, but I have always purposely dated out of my league, because I've always felt after Derek that I needed to be loved more than I loved them. How else would it work?
And then I moved to Florida and finally thought I'd found someone real. We were friends for almost six months before we actually started dating, and I dated him because I thought finally, I'd met a good guy. 9 months later, I was starting to think he might be the one, finally. After the big fuck-up relationships and the smaller dating failures.
And after all my skepticism about everything I knew Edwin wouldn't do like the others, something came out of nowhere that was an instant deal breaker. After over a year, Edwin failed to tell me that he and his family are Jehovah's Witnesses.
"So you're telling me that you've been stringing me along, letting us get this serious, and you never told me something like that? That if we have kids, they can't celebrate Christmas or their birthdays? That you and your family have let their lives become conformed around a religion written by bitter conservatives only 100 years ago? When were you going to tell me?"
"I was too terrified, it was selfish, I know."
And what else can he say. My relationship that I thought might be forever has turned to non existent in one morning, after seeing a fucking refrigerator magnet.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I finally did it
I finally did it. I actually watched Jersey Shore. I wanted so badly not to want to watch this show, but facebook did me in. So many people love this shit, and I had to understand how that could be.
So they're rich guidos. And the guys act how a lot of guys now would act if they lived in a REal World-style TV show. And the girls can't help but act slutty and bitchy to each other, even though they all love each other of course. But all in all, good stuff. For bad stuff. You know what I mean. Reality shows have gotten so fake they are actually kind of good. It takes a lot of producing and "situation writing" (haha, get it?) to make this shit actually watchable.
Also wanted to check out what this emotionalcreature.mtv.com thing was and it turns out it's a show. Here's the description:
MTV and Legendary playwright / author / activist and V-Day Founder Eve Ensler have joined forces to bring her latest work, I Am an Emotional Creature: the Secret Lives of Girls Around the World, to life on MTV. The book captures girls' voices from around the globe, telling stories from the heart of their lives. Rosario Dawson, Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Recreation," and Jessica Stroup from "90210" all pitch in here, addressing hot button teen issues including safe sex, sexual pressure, sexting, constant connectedness and dating abuse.
OK, so it's basically MTV's attempt to empower girls, it was even founded by a global movement to end violence against women and girls. Will I watch it? Maybe, could be interesting. Although it really doesn't apply to me, as I am old now at age 23. That's how American society is making me feel anyway. (F. you, by the way for that).
So they're rich guidos. And the guys act how a lot of guys now would act if they lived in a REal World-style TV show. And the girls can't help but act slutty and bitchy to each other, even though they all love each other of course. But all in all, good stuff. For bad stuff. You know what I mean. Reality shows have gotten so fake they are actually kind of good. It takes a lot of producing and "situation writing" (haha, get it?) to make this shit actually watchable.
Also wanted to check out what this emotionalcreature.mtv.com thing was and it turns out it's a show. Here's the description:
MTV and Legendary playwright / author / activist and V-Day Founder Eve Ensler have joined forces to bring her latest work, I Am an Emotional Creature: the Secret Lives of Girls Around the World, to life on MTV. The book captures girls' voices from around the globe, telling stories from the heart of their lives. Rosario Dawson, Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Recreation," and Jessica Stroup from "90210" all pitch in here, addressing hot button teen issues including safe sex, sexual pressure, sexting, constant connectedness and dating abuse.
OK, so it's basically MTV's attempt to empower girls, it was even founded by a global movement to end violence against women and girls. Will I watch it? Maybe, could be interesting. Although it really doesn't apply to me, as I am old now at age 23. That's how American society is making me feel anyway. (F. you, by the way for that).
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Colbert Tidbit
An interesting guest on Colbert had me going again where I start to truly believe that Stephen is, in fact, a conservative. Sometimes his character is just so real, but that's the whole draw. He so strictly "promotes" all the outrageous ideas of many Republicans or right wingers, and we think it is comedic. It's that ridiculous that anyone would advocate or encourage these ideas, enough to the point that it is a comedy show. I love this, this is where I get my real news anymore. Because can you really call this biased? I'd call it objective.
Anyway, the guest, Laura Ingraham, is a popular conservative talk show host on FOX. Maybe I'm a little slow on this one, but she has written a book called "The Obama Diaries" which is a New York Times bestseller in- nonfiction?? So apparently this woman, an extreme conservative who does not want her work to be considered fiction, wants readers to believe she has found several personal entries from Obama and others in the White House. Creative, yes. But is it fiction? Yes. I agree with her on one thing: that Obama was a man who knew how to brand himself. But the book is a waste of time, and not one I'd read because it is I'm sure borderline ridiculous and just there to make other conservatives feel better about the way they feel. In my opinion, the "Bush Diaries" would have been a lot more horrifying.
At the end of the interview, the classy Ingraham tells the world how Biden wanted to kiss her because he said to her "You're my favorite of those Right-wing types", and clearly that means he wanted to throw her down right there. Successful she may be, but she's also a reminder of why I am still a democrat until further notice. :)
Anyway, the guest, Laura Ingraham, is a popular conservative talk show host on FOX. Maybe I'm a little slow on this one, but she has written a book called "The Obama Diaries" which is a New York Times bestseller in- nonfiction?? So apparently this woman, an extreme conservative who does not want her work to be considered fiction, wants readers to believe she has found several personal entries from Obama and others in the White House. Creative, yes. But is it fiction? Yes. I agree with her on one thing: that Obama was a man who knew how to brand himself. But the book is a waste of time, and not one I'd read because it is I'm sure borderline ridiculous and just there to make other conservatives feel better about the way they feel. In my opinion, the "Bush Diaries" would have been a lot more horrifying.
At the end of the interview, the classy Ingraham tells the world how Biden wanted to kiss her because he said to her "You're my favorite of those Right-wing types", and clearly that means he wanted to throw her down right there. Successful she may be, but she's also a reminder of why I am still a democrat until further notice. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
People Skills
I was a really shy kid. I mean really shy. I never really thought about why that was, I just kind of sat back in the background and watched people. It wasn't until I moved to England my Freshman year of High School that I began to break out of my shell at all. Don't get me wrong, I had friends. But for some reason, it always took me awhile before I could really open up to them. But once I did, they were very important to me.
Working in Disney for minimum wage really makes you wonder how and why people ended up where they did. I am smart, and graduated with high honors. But here I am, barely able to support myself. Yet every day I see people who display intelligence levels only slightly higher than mentally retarded, and they somehow have the money to bring their family on a 2-week Disney vacation, and also buy their six-year-old an iPhone.
It's all about the people skills. It's who you know that gets you everything you want. It's what you know that seals the deal. Life was designed so that anyone who can shmooze the right way and have the confidence they need can get what they want. I was screwed with a genetic predisposition of insecurity and the inability of being able to bond with people the way I want to. I believe it's genetic because it's exactly how my Dad is. I see him in myself, and as much as I hate it and disagree with it, I can't change it.
And it's a vicious life circle. Politicians get where they are because of all these traits that I am working desperately to develop, although I do have more of a conscience then most. And then politicians keep fucking the poor, which, I am right now. Unemployment checks are for more than what I make, how does this make sense? People can't find jobs, yes they can. They have to do what I'm doing and put aside their dignity. Because they have to. Does it really make sense that they're looking to take away even more money from taxpayers in Florida who can't even support themselves, let alone a family?
This is why you have to fully embrace and hold on to the little joys in life, otherwise it will drive you crazy.
Working in Disney for minimum wage really makes you wonder how and why people ended up where they did. I am smart, and graduated with high honors. But here I am, barely able to support myself. Yet every day I see people who display intelligence levels only slightly higher than mentally retarded, and they somehow have the money to bring their family on a 2-week Disney vacation, and also buy their six-year-old an iPhone.
It's all about the people skills. It's who you know that gets you everything you want. It's what you know that seals the deal. Life was designed so that anyone who can shmooze the right way and have the confidence they need can get what they want. I was screwed with a genetic predisposition of insecurity and the inability of being able to bond with people the way I want to. I believe it's genetic because it's exactly how my Dad is. I see him in myself, and as much as I hate it and disagree with it, I can't change it.
And it's a vicious life circle. Politicians get where they are because of all these traits that I am working desperately to develop, although I do have more of a conscience then most. And then politicians keep fucking the poor, which, I am right now. Unemployment checks are for more than what I make, how does this make sense? People can't find jobs, yes they can. They have to do what I'm doing and put aside their dignity. Because they have to. Does it really make sense that they're looking to take away even more money from taxpayers in Florida who can't even support themselves, let alone a family?
This is why you have to fully embrace and hold on to the little joys in life, otherwise it will drive you crazy.
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