New Year New Fears

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be..."

This is the opening to the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower which I read almost in an entire sitting a couple of days ago. Basically it's a book written in a "letter to a stranger" format by a 16 year old boy named Charlie who is trying to figure out why he is and who he is. Sounds generic, I know...but it does get you thinking.

High School. It was eons ago at this point in my life, and after all those years you kind of wonder, how much did it have an effect on me? Had it been different, would I be the person that I am today? How different would it be for me if I was the person that I am today? I'm sure mostly everyone's thought about that one.

I'm such a weird mixture of doing just fine but also just bummed (for lack of a more fitting verb). And really, it's definitely progress that I am finally going through a breakup where I wasn't wronged. I also know that if he wasn't going to try harder to change himself, it just wasn't meant to be. But I miss him. It's hard for me to get close and comfortable with someone and then just suddenly not have them in my life anymore...

Brings to mind another quote from Perks...

"I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it won't change the fact that they are upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

Have you ever noticed how that never really does make you feel better?

I'm fine. I'm healthy. I have friends and family that care. It's a New Year, and it's everyone's chance to get up and get out. Do the right things.

Last quote for the day:

"We accept the love we think we deserve" 

A couple of years ago I wouldn't have let him go. Because he was good. But now I do realize I deserve more. Maybe I will remain single for a very long time because of this, and frustrate myself with even more "Mr. Not Quite Good Enoughs"...but I'm really not that hard to please. All a girl really wants is a guy who will sprint after her when she walks away.